http://artsparktheatre.blogspot.com/2009/03/cat-hamlet.html
emocat haz ur cookies
bY: cODY mARSCHALK, lISA
aVILA, aTHENA lOUIE
& wILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
Character List
EMOCAT – Prince of
Catzinor
CHASTITYCAT – daughter of
CAT-DADDY
CAT-DADDY – father of
CHASTITYCAT and royal adviser to KINGCAT
ROSENCATZ – a friend of
the royal court
GUILDENKITTY – a friend of the royal court
Setting
The
stage is well lit. In the background there are several cat toys
scattered about and some appear to be oversized (i.e. a large
litter box, large scratching post, toy rats). There is a large
bowl of milk and a platter of cookies, which a neatly groomed
young male cat is standing beside and helping himself to. At the
same time another, rather ragged and goofy looking cat enters
from stage left. He spots the cat helping himself to the cookies
and panics.
Rosencatz:
Oh Hai. I waz just in ur bedroomz stealin ur cookiez[1].
Guildenkitty:
Oh Noes! CAN. NOT. HAZ!
Rosencatz:
[changing
the subject] I Thinkz EmoCat haz
Crazies!
Guildenkitty:
For Cookiez?
Rosencatz:
Noes! For CHASTITYCAT!
Guildenkitty:
How U NOZ?
Rosencatz:
I DON’T NOZ 4 sure, but we FINDZ OUT.
Guildenkitty:
How? We stealz his cookiez?
Rosencatz:
No Guildenkitty! Focus! We hideZ and see
if EmoCat and ChastityCat loves each other. Shhh! Listen. I thinks I hearZ
Cat-Daddy!
[They hide behind a
rather large litter box]
CAT-DADDY:
CHASTITY CAT, COME HERE. PLAY WIT DIS YARNZ[2],
TO STILL YOUR LONELINESS DAT TEH BASEMENT CAT[3]
HIMSELF NOT GET U.
OH NOZ, EMOCAT COMES, I GOEZ HIDE NAO.
[CAT-DADDY jumps behind scratching-post]
[Enter EMOCAT]
EMOCAT: 2 BE, OR
NOT 2 BE, DAZ WUT IZ PONDERIN.
IZ NOBLR IN DA MIND 2 SUFFR
TEH SLINGS AN ARROWS OV OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE
OR 2 FIGHT AGAINST SEA OV PUPPEHZ,
AN END THEM BY FIGHTIN? 2 DYE, 2 CATNAP,
NOTHIN MOAR, AN BY CATNAPPIN, 2 BE ABLE 2 SAY WE END
TEH HEARTACHE, AN TEH THOUSAND NACHURAL SHOCKZ
DAT TEH BODY GETS AS PART OV ITS 9 LIVEZ . IZ AN ENDIN
2 BE WISHD 4. 2 DYE, 2 CATNAP,
2 CATNAP! PERHAPS 2 DREAM. YEZ, THARS TEH RUB,
4 WUT DREAMS CUD COME IN DAT SLEEP OV DEATH,
WHEN WE HAZ LEFT DIS LIFE ON EARTH,
MUST MAK US PAWZ. THARS TEH RESPECT
DAT MAKEZ SENSE OV 9 LIVES,
4 HOO WUD BEAR TEH WHIPS AN SCORNS OV TIEM,
TEH PUPPEHZ[4] WRONG, TEH PROUD MANZ INSULTS,
TEH PANGS OV REJECTD LUV, TEH CHEEZBURGER’Z[5] DELAY,
TEH INEXPERIENCE OV OFFICE, AN TEH DISDAIN
DAT PATIENT MERIT TAKEZ FRUM TEH UNWORTHY,
WHEN HE MITE HIS 9 LIVES TAKE BY EATING 2 MUCH CAKE[6]?
GUILDENKITTY: I CAN HAZ CAKE NAO?
ROSENCATZ: HMM…CAKE
[He turns and sees CHASTITYCAT]
CHASTITYCAT:MAH
GUD MEOWINESS[7],
HOW HAZ U BEEN 4 DIS LOTZ DA DAI?
EMOCAT: I
HUMBLY THANK U, WELL, WELL, WELL.
CHASTITYCAT:
MAH MEOWINESS, I HAZ COOKIEZ OV YOURS
DAT I HAZ LONGD 2 RE-DELIVR 2 U 4 LONG TIEM.
I BEG U, TAEK THEM BAK NAO N NOM DEM.
Guildenkitty: (aside) BUT,
BUT…SHE DID NOT GIVE ME NO COOKIEZ.
EMOCAT: NO, NOT
I
I NEVR GAEV U ANYTHIN.
CHASTITYCAT:
MAH HONORD MEOWINESS, U KNOE RITE WELL U DID,
AN WIF THEM, WERDZ COMPOSD OV SO SWEET AN AIR
AS MADE TEH THINGS MOAR RICH. THEIR SWEET AIR BEAN
GONE, TAEK THEM BAK AGAIN, CUZ 2 TEH NOBLE MIND
RICH GIFTS GROW POOR WHEN TEH GIVERS PROOV UNKIND.
THAR, MAH MEOWINESS.
EMOCAT: LOL!
LOL! R U SINCERE?
CHASTITYCAT:MAH
MEOWINESS?
EMOCAT: R U
WELL GROOMED?
CHASTITYCAT:
WUT DO U MEEN?
EMOCAT:DAT IF U
BE WELL GROOMED, UR SINCERITY
SHOULDN’T HAZ ANY TALKZ 2 UR BEAUTY.
CHASTITYCAT:CUD
BEAUTY, MAH MEOWINESS, HAZ BETTR DEALINGS THAN WIF SINCERITY?
EMOCAT: YEZ,
TRULY, 4 DA POWR OV BEAUTY WILL TRANZFORM
SINCERITY FROM INTO A HAIRLESS CAT THAN TEH FORCE OV
CEILING CAT[8] CAN TRANZLATE BEAUTY INTO HIS IMAGE. DIS USD 2
BE CONTRADICTORY, BUT NAO TEH TIEM PROVEZ IT’S TRUE. I DID
LUV U ONCE.
CHASTITYCAT:
INDED, MAH MEOWINESS, U MADE ME BLEEV SO.
EMOCAT: U SHUD
NOT HAZ BELIEVD ME, 4 VIRTUE CAN’T GRAFT A
NEW PLANT ONTO R OLD STOCK BUT WE SHALL RELISH OV IT. I
DIDN’T LUV U.
CHASTITYCAT: O
NOZ!
EMOCAT: GIT
YOURSELF 2 KENNEL NAO. Y WUD
U GIV BIRF 2
PUPPEHZ? I DON’T CARE BOUT MAH SINCERITY, BUT I CUD
ACCUSE MYSELF OV SUCH THINGS DAT IT WUZ BETTR MAH
MOMCAT HAD NOT HAD ME. IM VRY CURIOUS[9], INDIFFERENT,
SLEEPIEZ, WIF MOAR OFFENSEZ AT MAH COMMAND THAN I
HAZ THOUGHTS 2 PUT THEM IN, IMAGINASHUN 2 GIV THEM
SHAPE, OR TIEM 2 COMMIT THEM IN. WUT SHUD SUCH
FELLOWS AS I DOEZ CRAWLIN TWEEN ERFS AN SKIEZ? WE
R WICKD KITTEHZ, ALL, BLEEV NONE OV US. TAEK YOURSELF 2 A
KENNEL. WHEREZ UR DADDYCAT?
CHASTITYCAT: AT
HOME, MAH MEOWINESS.
EMOCAT: SHUT
TEH DOORS ON HIM, DAT HE CUD PULAY TEH DOG
NOWHERE ELSE BUT IN HIS OWN HOUZ. KTHXBAI.
CHASTITYCAT: O,
HALP HIM, CEILING CAT!
EMOCAT: IF U
DO, BY MARY, I’LL GIV U DIS RABIEZ 4 UR
WEDDIN GIFT: WHETHR U AS CHASTE AS ICE CREAM, AS PURE AS
SNOWCONEZ, U SHALT NOT ESCAPE CURIOUSITY. GO 2 KENNEL, GO.
KTHXBAI. OR, IF U WILL MARRY, MAK IT DOG, BY MARY,
4 WIZE CATZ KNOE WELL ENOUGH WUT MONSTERS U MAK
OV THEM. 2 KENNEL, GO, AN QUICKLY 2. KTHXBAI.
CHASTITYCAT: O
CEILING CAT, RESTORE HIM!
EMOCAT: I HAZ
HERD ENOUGH BOUT UR GROOMINGZ 2, CEILING CAT HAS
GIVEN U WAN COAT OV FUR, AN U MAKE YOURSELVEZ ANOTHR[10].
U LICK, U SCRATCH, AN U SPIT, AN NICKNAME
CEILING CAT’S CREATURES, AN MAK UR CURIOSITY UR IGNORANCE. GO2, I’LL SAY NO MOAR BOUT IT, IT HAZ MADE ME CRAZY. I SAY,
WE WILL HAZ NO MOAR MARRIAGEZ. DOSE DAT R MARRID
ALREADY, ALL BUT WAN, SHALL LIV, TEH REST STAY TEH SAME. 2
A KENNEL, GO.
CHASTITYCAT: O,
WUT NOBLE MIND HER IZ CONQUERD!
AN I OV ALL KITTEHZ MOST DEJECTD AN WRETCHD
DAT HAZ TASTD TEH HONEY OV HIS MUSICAL PURRZ,
NAO C DAT NOBLE AN MOST ROYAL MIND,
LIEK SWEET BELLS JANGLIN ON HIS COLLAR, OUT OV TUNE AN HARSH 2 HEAR,
DAT FORM AN FEACHUR OV BLOWN KITTENHOOD BLASTED WIT RABIEZ. O, WOE IZ ME,
2 HAZ SEEN TEH CAT I HAZ SEEN, C TEH CAT I C!
[Enter Rosencatz and
Guildenkitty covered in bits of litter
attempting to shake it off of
themselves]
Guildenkitty:
He was mad. I think ChastityCat stoled his cookiez
Rosencatz:
Noes Guildenkitty! Don’t you see? EmoCatz is crazy in love!
Guildenkitty:
[Startled]
OH NOEZ! I thinkz I seed a
rat[11]!
[ Guildenkitty
points his paw at the scratching post across the room]
Rosencatz:
Oh NoeZ!!! It’s OK Guildenkitty. Letz Leave the ratz. EmoCat likes to kill DEM.
[1]
Cookiez are possibly symbolic of honor and
respect or some other highly cherished cat
characteristic.
[2] Yarnz were often used in Early Modern Cat Society as a means of intellectual entertainment for the elite.
[3] Basement Cat i.e. Lucifer or Satan
[4]
In Early Modern Catland the Kittehs constantly
faced threats of war from neighboring Dogland.
The word Puppeh was often used as a synonym for
evil.
[5]
Cheezburgerz were the staple food of the
upper-class and royal societies and were always
in high demand.
[6]
Cake was staple food item in Catland and was
thought to cause insanity and, in some cases,
death with over consumption.
[7] Royal title
[8] Ceiling Cat i.e. the most supreme deity
[9] Curiosity was seen as a cardinal sin.
[10]
It was a common complaint amongst the male
kittehs that female kittehs often manipulated
their fur in ways to make it more pleasing to
the eye.
[11]
It is not quite clear what Guildenkitty means by
a “rat”. Some scholars suggest that he is
referring to the impurity and sin of the other
Kittehs. Others suggest that he may have seen
Cat-Daddy hidden behind the scratching post.